Can Purell be used as lube?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
there is glitter all over my balls
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize