if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize