i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
