we have pet lesbian snakes
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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