...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
