I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
