she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
