Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
