I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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