Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
