You can't motorboat a personality
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
