I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
