In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
