My liver just broke up with me...
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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