Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
