Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
