If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
