I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Can I color on your dick again?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
