So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
