god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
