He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
