awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize