You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
