I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize