And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
