I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
