why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
