I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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