I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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