I love black thongs
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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