Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
