So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
We smell like vodka and hangover
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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