so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Randomize
