Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
