3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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