my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
How does it feel to date your dad?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
