They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I smell stomach acid.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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