We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize