you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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