I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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