All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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