i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
