Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize