a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
