tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Randomize
