I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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