Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
