Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
