How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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