I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
this boner is exhausting
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize