Pants 0. Shit 1.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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