Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize