tell your sister to shave her snatch
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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