my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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