Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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