Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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