Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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