I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
