I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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