I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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